4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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