I murdered the dance floor call the cops
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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