Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
