I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
