my room smells like sperm. sweet.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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