Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
