I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
