i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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