508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
