wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
