I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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