I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
