And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
