girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
