I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
