One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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