I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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