I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
