I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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