just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize