i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Sober January is a disaster.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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