the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
