when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
