We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
