Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
