And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
