The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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