i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
