No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
