i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize