i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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