You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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