If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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