We got so high we made milksteak
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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