I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
