So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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