Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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