She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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