my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
