you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
