I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
