i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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