Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
