flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
