I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
