Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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