Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
