never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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