Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
