last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
