please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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