i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
