If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
