just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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