God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We had sex on a dog bed..
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
