i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
