She is in my trunk
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
