You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize