How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
