then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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