just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
