i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
