It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
