You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
