yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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