If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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