I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I want her autograph on my taint
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
